How to Unlock Your Teenager: The Privacy Factor
It’s a Thursday night; midnight, in fact. Your almost-fourteen has been in her/his room, door firmly shut, for three hours straight. For a while now, s/he has been acting very strange. Gone is the girl/boy who would pour her/his heart out at the end of each school day, no detail left out. These days s/he spends more time online or on phone with his/her friends than s/he does with her/his own family. Any conversation you initiate is responded to in grunts and monosyllables. You have been getting increasingly anxious, naturally.
Any mention of this, though, has ended up in heated words – even frustrated tears – on both sides. But you are a parent, and you’re not going to give up trying.You decide to give it another shot.
You cautiously open the door and ask, “Not sleepy?”
“Mom! How many times have I told you to knock before opening?” The tone is of pure outrage. A hand reaches out to shut the door.
You wedge your foot between the closing door and the frame, full of righteous anger. “Why should I knock? What’re you trying to hide?”
“Nothing! But I need my privacy. Something you don’t seem to understand!” And the door comes back with force, completely ignoring your foot. Your pull your foot back out of harm’s way, holding back the angry tears from running down your cheeks.
Your mind is racing. Privacy at thirteen-something? What does that mean? At her/his age, you had shared a room with your two sisters and a little brother. And to think of the audacity of banging the door shut on you, the mother! What on earth is wrong with her/him? Why is s/he suddenly so different, so secretive?
A million possibilities occur to you, each more worrisome than the other. Is my child getting into bad company? Company of people online or otherwise who will distract them, urge them to waste money, put them in danger? Are they into substance abuse? What if they start conversations with strangers or share inappropriate images with them? Or are in a relationship which will eventually result in insurmountable problems? The fear is even more when it’s a daughter at the other end. You worry about her safety. You worry that she will enter into a physical relationship before she is ready. But s/he doesn’t understand this, and nothing you do seems to get through.
Sounds familiar?
“A teenager’s need for privacy is real, and it should be respected,” says Jyothika Aggarwal, Clinical Psychologist at LifeWorks, Dubai. “At this age, they are figuring themselves out, in a sense. Getting to know themselves, their bodies, the changes thereof. And more than anything else, they are becoming independent individuals. This need for personal space is a healthy sign of growing up, and should be accepted.”
Ms Aggarwal advises against prying into your teenager’s life unless there is a real cause for con-cern. If you feel that your child has become withdrawn, doesn’t interact with people as s/he used to, doesn’t go out, and no longer seems to be interested in the things s/he used to be actively involved in, then there is cause for concern. More so when there is a tendency to harm themselves or others around them. These are the times when you need to step in. Otherwise it is best to give them enough leeway so that they don’t feel threatened
“Instead of expecting to have total control over your teenager’s life, establish trust, and open a clear line of communication with them. Listen, respond positively and without undue judgement,” explains Ms Aggarwal. “Be clear about what kind of behaviour is acceptable and what is not, in a matter-of-fact way. There are bound to be instances when the lines between the acceptable and the unacceptable are blurred – the so-called ‘grey’ areas. Let them know that you are open to conversation even then. They should trust you enough to communicate with you.”
Good communication is certainly the key to unlocking your teenager. Share your anxieties with them, but without getting overly emotional. They need to know that you are concerned, but you also trust them. Make sure they know you are available to discuss things, even uncomfortable ones. “And don’t hesitate to apologise when you feel you are in the wrong. This will only improve communication and your relationship with your teenager,” she concludes.
If you would like to talk, feel free to reach out to us. An LifeWorks therapist would be able to help.
Dr. Naeema Ali trained psychology and social worker students of UAE University. She is actively providing counselling support to cancer patients and their families. She launched an occupational therapy for cancer patients and cognitive behavioural therapy in Tawam.
Due to her continued support in oncology and ongoing support to cancer patients, Naeema received countless awards locally and international to recognize her achievements and skills. She has been invited to participate in various conferences and workshops around the world and invited as a guest speaker in various subjects that covers psychology.
She also joined Al Sayegh Medical Center as a Social Worker, providing comprehensive assessment and treatment services to children and families, in inpatient and/or outpatient settings, and communicates with referral sources as indicated by applying psychometric test, such as IQ Test, MMPI, Wechsler Test for children. Exhibit superior communication skills to uncover complicated mental health issues; develop and recommend treatment plans based on patient needs and diagnosis.
She continued working as a clinical psychologist providing counselling within the multi-cultural environment of the Emirates Airlines for the past 15 years. Her main task is providing mental health support to inflight and ground staff and addresses any problems, anxieties, or job-related stresses that they are dealing with. She uses her findings to help improve processes and behaviors of a patient to maintain a safe environment, to manage stress, overcome trauma, or avoid job-related conflicts. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the method Naeema is using to reduce the difficulties, anxieties, and stress that employee faces.
Naeema is also part of “ Shawer ”, the “Seek Our Advice”, and “We Listen To You” program of the Family Development Foundation of Abu Dhabi. The aim of the program was to promote family awareness and support a stable family life. It involves a group of community members who deal with family problems in a positive manner and provide individual and group counseling in social, psychological, and educational areas. They do so in a systematic way according to the needs of community members.
Besides “ Shawer ”, Naeema is also a volunteer of “ Friends of Cancer ” of Sharjah, supporting patients and their families to overcome the multitude psychological difficulties that they are experiencing due to cancer treatment as well as introducing some programs such as health education, self-care and some community programs wherein they can collaborate and share their experiences.
Area of interest:
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Psycho-oncology
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CBT
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Psychometric Assessments
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Children, Adults and Family therapy
Qualification and Membership:
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Psychology graduation from the University of Wisconsin
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Licensed by Community Development Authority
Dr. Mohammed Bardi M.B.B.S, M.D (Psychiatry) has worked under different capacities in clinical and hospital setups in Saudi, USA, and UAE. He comes with over 15 years of experience in mental health. He specifically worked with cases relating to schizophrenic, bipolar disorder, dual diagnosis, major depressive disorder with suicidal risks, anxiety disorders, Intellectual disabilities, Autistic spectrum disorders and attention deficit hyperactivity disorders (ADHD).
Area of interest:
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Mood disorders
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Anxiety disorders
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Improving life skills (social skills, self- esteem, decision making, coping with stress, problem solving, and time management)
Qualification and Membership:
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MBBS COLLEAGUE OF MEDICINE, KING SAUD UNIVERSITY 2003 (KKU).
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ARAB BOARD OF MEDICAL SPECIALTIES IN PSYCHIATRY 2007
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ANXIETY DISORDERS WORKSHOP (DIPLOMA), 2010
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ADDICTION FELLOWSHIP UCLA, USA, 2010-2011
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ADDICTION RESEARCH AND MATRIX TRAINING, ISAP, UCLA, LOS ANGELES, CA, USA 2014-2015
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BACHELOR’S DEGREE OF MEDICINE AND SURGERY
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ARAB BOARD OF MEDICAL SPECIALTIES IN PSYCHIATRY
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ADDICTION FELLOWSHIP UCLA 2011, 2015
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BETTY FORD CERTIFICATE, ADDICTION PROGRAM 2010
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CDA) Licensed Psychologist
Therapeutic Approach:
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At LifeWorks Holistic Counselling Center Dubai, Dr. Bardi works collaboratively within our expert multidisciplinary team, in treating a wide array of psychiatric conditions including:
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Anxiety disorders
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Substance use disorders
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Mood disorders including depression and Bipolar affective disorders
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Psychotic disorders (Schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders)
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Personality disorders
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Cognitive disorders including Dementia
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Learning disabilities (intellectual disability disorders)
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Child and adolescents’ disorders like Separation anxiety disorders, conduct
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disorders and ADHD